The Emma Pillsbury Diary  Season 2
by obsessedgleek
Summary: Emma continues her diary entries, even for the episodes she's not in!
1. Chapter 1

**OCD is a self-trust problem. A doubting disease.**

Dear Diary,

Will is all excited about Nationals being in New York this year. He must have told the kids because at lunchtime today I could hear them singing Empire State of Mind. He thinks the destination will be a huge incentive to make the kids really focus and possibly attract new members. Will's been phoning me a lot. It's obvious he's feeling jealous. No doubt his ego is bruised but he more than bruised my ego. He's being immature trying to 'win' me back. I'm not a possession. We have a new football coach at school: a woman. Sue thinks a female football coach is against the laws of nature, but I think she's a wonderful role model for the kids. Apparently Ken had a nervous breakdown and won't be returning to McKinley. I hope I wasn't the cause of his breakdown but I am relieved I will no longer have to fear bumping into him. I do feel a lot more relaxed since I met Carl. He seems to quell that sense of dread in me, that intractable feeling that something is wrong. I guess it's his confidence and maturity. He is so in control of his life yet he's totally spontaneous. The other day he took me for a drive in his red corvette. I was admiring how clean and pristine the interior was when suddenly he pressed a button and the roof retracted – completely. I felt a panic attack coming on. I didn't want the wind whipping through my hair and messing it up. He just smiled that perfect smile of his and his mischievous eyes twinkled at me. What could I do? Twenty minutes later I was feeling totally liberated. Sexy even.


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

Will came into my office today to talk about how the Glee kids want to sing a Britney Spears song. Will doesn't want them to. He wants them to explore Christopher Cross. I'm on the kids' side. I was extolling the attributes of Britney – I think it's admirable the way she's got her life back together: she's had three #1 hits in the last two years; she's a single mom raising two kids… she's the perfect symbol of the possibility of rebirth. He looked at me in total disbelief. That's the problem with Will - he can be so set in his ways and stuck in the past. I told him he was too uptight. He scoffed at this suggestion and said, _I _was calling _him _uptight, the woman who buys hand sanitizer by the barrel. I admitted I've had some control issues in the past but Carl's been helping me with all of that. I explained how the other day he took me shopping and he made me buy the red grapes and the green grapes and when we got home we mixed them together – in the same bowl. It was sheer madness. Wow! Was his only comment. I said, 'Make fun all you want, but it's a start and I'm incredibly grateful for it.' He just doesn't understand how important it is for me to try and break down this control OCD has over my life. Then Carl walked in! I don't like surprises, but Carl thinks surprises are romantic and he just sailed right in and kissed me. On the lips. In front of Will. I looked at Will, but he looked away. Carl said 'I love that look of instant panic every time I try and change your routine. Carl guessed Will was Will because he embarrassingly said to him, 'You must be Will, Emma told me you're the cutest guy in school.' I don't want Will to think I still think he's cute. I mean he is cute, but I'm over him and he has to know that. Carl was very magnanimous paying Will a compliment. Then Carl got a message to say he had another teenager requiring a root canal. Carl is really concerned for the future of America's teeth. He's incredibly committed to oral hygiene. I explained to Will how Carl has been trying to get the school to let him come and do a seminar on good dental hygiene but they've been dragging their feet. Will said he could 'loosen the reigns' and Carl could come and talk to Glee Club. I said that would be amazing. When they started the 'friendly' punching each other I felt like I was watching one of those animal documentaries where the males of the species fight each other for the alpha position. Carl cracked a joke and broke the tension, he's so quick witted and gregarious.

Dear Diary,

When I walked in to the choir room with Carl all the girls and Kurt gasped at CarI's good looks. I acted nonchalant but I have to admit, I felt quite proud to be his girlfriend. Then Santana said to him 'You are the hottest dentist I've ever seen. You can totally drill me any time. OMG, does that child have no sense of decorum? I said, 'Santana! Let's stay focused.' Carl just deflected the whole embarrassing situation with ease by paying Will another compliment: 'This guy's pretty easy on the eye too. I bet I couldn't sing and dance like him.' Will was a bit childish and said 'probably not'. Little does he know that Carl _can_ sing, and _dance_ and he plays drums in a band. Carl gave the kids a tablet each to highlight the decay on their teeth. Brittany's went totally blue. She rinses her mouth out with soda after she eats! I was horrified, thinking that perhaps all of her teeth would start falling out on the spot or they'd have to be pulled out but Carl said he'd be able to fix her teeth without a problem. So in control. So handsome. So talented.

Dear Diary,

Carl said Brittany and Santana came to see him today. He said Santana had the most perfect teeth he's ever seen. I wondered about my teeth. Aren't my teeth perfect? Had I flossed them? I went off to clean them. Carl followed me, saying that Santana had demanded anaesthetic, and he gave it to her. I said he shouldn't have.

Dear Diary,

Will visited Carl at work today. To sort out his teeth grinding. I _told_ Will he was too uptight. Carl told me that Will told him he still has strong feelings for me. I reassured Carl that Will is really confused at the moment and he doesn't need to worry because I'm absolutely over Will. He'll eventually get over it. I have. Carl has asked him to back off. Carl has suggested we have a full disclosure policy. I agreed. If there's one thing a relationship requires, it's total honesty.

Dear Diary,

Will's behaviour today totally confirmed I've made the right decision. If I had any doubts they're definitely gone now. He's bought the same car as Carl, only with heated seats. How gross, germs just love heat to multiply and manifest in and should the seat get too hot, then it gets all sweaty and no, no, no, I had to stop those thoughts. I said, 'I kind of liked your old one' but he then told me that his old car was a metaphor for all that was wrong with his life – his fear of change! He's not afraid of change, he may hold on to the past for sentimental reasons but he's not afraid of change. He's so out of touch with himself. And he had a personalized number plate with GLEE on it made for that car. He loves Glee Club, he would never throw them away. Then just to make things worse he said 'Let's take it for a spin' and he started the car and Christopher Cross started singing. His favourite jam! Then he started doing dorky moves to the dorkiest song ever written. I didn't think things could get any worse but they did. Terri materialized in front of us. I screamed. She called me a home-wrecker. I wasn't going to put up with her insults. Will started yelling back at her, like I was meant to be impressed or something. She said something about a spousal support cheque. She's not out of his life. I couldn't stand it. I got out of the car, slammed the door and walked off. No looking back.

Dear Diary,

We all went into the gym this afternoon to see ND perform. Will came up to me before the performance. He looked like a cast member of Kids Incorporated. He said he was trying to loosen up. Not only did he let the kids sing Toxic, he sang and danced with them! Diary, he's a great dancer, but when he sang 'do you feel me now' and looked straight at me with that 'come hither' look of his, I just felt embarrassed for him. I think the irony of the lyrics was lost on him. He's too 'toxic' right now for me to touch. The kids were really enjoying the act, but Sue set off the alarm and suddenly there was a riot. I was knocked right, left and centre, no doubt covered in teenage germs. I came straight home and showered – for two hours. Maybe me advocating a Britney Spears song to him wasn't my best advice.

Dear Diary,

Sue came into the staff room this morning wearing a neck brace! Honestly, she never stops. I overheard her having a go at Will about yesterday's performance and saying he wore more vests than the cast of Blossom. I like his vests. I'd like to know how many tracksuits she's got. Will came over to my table and admitted what he did was weird. He just thought I wanted him to be less uptight. I told him I just wanted him to relax. Not stop being him. I know he's frustrated; Terri's still on his case, Glee's still bottom of the barrel, me and Carl… especially me and Carl. He is the most talented person I know, he just has to reign in his talent. I said, 'Why would you want to be somebody else when the someone you are, is already so amazing?' He said, 'Because the boring someone I already am wasn't good enough for you.' My heart plummeted. He got up to leave. I didn't want him to leave on that note. I asked him where he was going. He said to return the car.

Dear Diary,

Carl picked me up after work today. He surprised me with tickets to see the Lima Theatre Company's production of My Fair Lady. We went straight to the theatre. It didn't even bother me that I couldn't go home first for my decontamination ritual.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Diary,

I had a phone call today from the hospital. Kurt's father has had a heart attack and he lies precariously between life and death. I ran immediately to Will. He was in his office. Looking so forlorn. For the first time ever, I didn't see him smile when I entered. Will and I took Kurt to see his father. I drove. It was a silent drive. We waited in the waiting room for what seemed like ages. Will barely spoke to me. He just kept looking down at the floor. I hate seeing him suffering like this. We were both worried for Kurt, but I know Wills' hurting over more than Kurt. I put my hand on his. He stroked my finger but he wouldn't look at me. Now he knows the pain I felt over him. The doctor appeared and Will took charge of the situation which I was relieved about. I noticed his tie matched my dress today.

Dear Diary,

Will is giving lessons on spirituality to help Kurt. Sue's complained and I was furious. Will is so down at the moment, the last thing he needs is Sue, destroying his good intentions. I marched into her office and completely ignored the fact that she was on the phone. I launched into my tirade about there being a boy who might lose his father, how dare she get in the way of the only thing anybody is trying to do which is give that poor child just a little bit of comfort. I really went for it. I said, 'What on earth happened to you to make you such a miserable tyrant? Sue replied, 'Take a seat.' I didn't like the idea of being stuck for too long in Sue's office, but I sat and listened. Sue explained how she has a handicapable sister and despite Sue's own prayers, her sister never got better and that's when she realized there is no God and she thinks it's cruel to make everyone believe in a myth. I said, 'Don't' you think that's just a little bit arrogant?' She said pushing a belief about God was arrogant too. I said, she should keep her thoughts to herself and she said as long as I do the same. I was proud of myself for being so assertive. Then she called me half orang-utan.

Dear Diary,

Finn came to me today to confess that he is the reason Sam got hurt because he's been praying to a sandwich called Grilled Cheesus. I explained that first the Titans won the game because their coach actually watches the plays instead of biting his toe nails and Rachel let him touch her boobs, not God and it was the 300 pound left tackle who just got expelled for being on steroids (and he was 23) that hurt Sam. God may speak to us in mysterious ways but I'm pretty sure he doesn't talk to us through sandwiches. He looked disappointed. He wanted a direct line to God, instead of feeling alone floating around in space. I know that feeling of loneliness can be overwhelming sometimes. I told him the big questions are really big questions for a reason: they're really hard. But absolutely everybody struggles with them. And the small questions can be just as burdensome. Did Carl take a long enough shower?


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Diary,

I sat down with Principal Figgins today to look at Puck's files. He's in the juvenile detention centre. It looks like he's going to be there a few weeks. The detention centre wanted our thoughts on his character and wanted to discuss the arrangements they think should happen when he is released. He's not a bad person, he just makes the wrong decisions.

On another note, when I changed the bed linen this morning, I put on a mattress protector that was a different colour to the sheets! It hasn't bothered me all day. Carl is changing my life.


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

Will noticed at lunch today that my crusts weren't cut off. I must have forgotten this morning! So many break throughs. I really am getting better. On the weekend Carl and I went to the revival theatre to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror. I can't believe I went out at midnight. My whole routine was completely thrown out the window. We didn't dress up, at least not yet, There isn't a surface in that theatre that isn't covered in spilt soda. It's disgusting, so you'd think it would a nightmare for me, but I was having so much fun that I didn't even notice. I've always been very anti-Halloween because it totally freaks me out about eating candy that someone else has touched, but Carl and I are going to dress up as characters from the show and _go_ trick or treating. I'm going to go as Janet because she's a ginger and wears puffy skirts. I was so excited about having crusts on my pb&j sandwich, that I blurted out all this information to Will. Then he said something surprising. _He's _putting on RH for the school musical this year. I thought it was too much of a coincidence and wondered if this was another one of his schemes to compete with Carl. I said to him that I thought there was some pretty risqué material in the show. He said he'd edit those scenes out but I said he'd have to edit out the whole show to get Sue and Figgins to sign off on it. Then he put out his hand for me to hi-5. For some reason, I hesitated to touch it.

Dear Diary,

Will came into my office for a chat today. It was almost like old times. Sue wants to be in his Rocky Horror Glee Show. Will said he thinks Sue's been a bully all along because she's really just wanted to be included. I was only half listening because it was bothering me that the objects on my desk were so out of alignment. I felt guilty but I had to get the tape measure to ensure they were exactly 10cm in distance apart. Then Will leant forward and I thought he was going to say something about my measuring, but he didn't, he said, 'I really don't want to overstep my boundaries here, but I need your help.' He asked me to come on board his RH production as costume designer. OMG. I love clothes. I said I would love to. He said it would be a lot of work and we'd be spending a lot of time together, and I said, yes, it would be a dream come true. I mean the costume designing is a dream come true, not the spending time with him, not that spending a lot of time with him wouldn't be, but I've got The Carl. What was I saying, 'The Carl'? I made him sound like a disease. Mike Change interrupted us to give Will the news that his parents won't let him be in the show. Will needs a new Frankenfurter.

Dear Diary,

Carl surprised me again today by popping into school to show me our costumes for trick or treating. We're both so excited about them. I've never felt so risqué Sue entered my office because she thought we were into sick perverted sex games. As if. I explained what we were doing and I said Carl has an amazing voice and knows the lyrics to every single song. Then she said she was a huge proponent of the arts in schools. Well that's a lie, she's tried to destroy the Glee Club from day one. Then she said 70% of all teeth in the school are wooden. I didn't know what to think. She thinks it would be a great idea if Carl joined the show. Yes! Yes it would be. So we went to the choir room to see Will.

Will said he didn't understand why Carl wanted to be in the show. Carl told Will he had a hole to fill and he was just trying to help fill it. He really values the arts. Santana thought he was being wanky, but I immediately silenced her. Will said he'd have to audition and Carl said he'd need a lady to sing to and he looked at me, saying 'Ems?' Another one of his spontaneous moments: Hot Patooti - the kids loved it. We were all dancing madly, feeling carefree. Carl showed off his dance skills by making some impressive moves with Mike. The kids and I were clapping and cheering him, then Sue said we needed a Frankenfurter, not an Eddie. Carl rightly said it was inappropriate to wear a bustier in a high school musical. If he plays Eddie, he's showing that he's supporting the arts and he wouldn't have to grind up against the students. Of course Santana put up her hand. Will got a bit defensive thinking Carl was telling him how to run his show but Mercedes interjected and said she'd like to be Frankenfurter. I was so impressed by her bold and brave move, wanting to break the stereotype and bring her own interpretation to the role. Don't dream it, be it, I say.

Dear Diary,

Will and I sat in the Director's chairs and watched our first rehearsal. Mercedes was magnificent as Frankenfurter and that dress I made her makes her look sexy but not in a promiscuous way. I'd made Sam's shorts a bit too short. Carl came in two scenes early. He has such good, good interesting impulses. So uninhibited. He's perfect as Eddie.

Dear Diary,

The whole scene just plays over and over and over in my head. Will left me a note asking if we could meet to discuss the play. I found him in the Spanish room. He said we had a problem with Carl. I didn't understand, I thought he was perfect. Will agreed but it was what he had said ie. some of the parts are too adult for the kids to play eg Sam playing Rocky. I couldn't have agreed more. So Will wants to play the part. I tried to tell him, that it wasn't right him playing Rocky, he's a teacher. Of course he's got the body to play Rocky, he looks really, really buff, I mean healthy, he'd look fantastic in only those gold shorts. I got kind of flustered just thinking about it. He said it would give the show credibility if he did play Rocky. So I said I'd help him rehearse Toucha, Toucha, Touch Me since I know all of the lyrics. I wasn't feeling that confident at first but once the music started I got totally into it. I ripped Wills' shirt off and pulled him by his tie, I wrapped his arms around me and slid up and down his body. I think I, I scratched his butt, I remember thinking how firm it was. It was like I was possessed by Janet. Diary, I remember throwing everything off Will's desk and writhing on it. Writhing! I'm not usually comfortable using that word at all. Then the music ended and I found myself clasping Will's heart and my face only an inch from his. I was tempted to kiss him, and then I woke out of what I can only assume was a trance and I remembered Carl. I ran off. Diary, was it my subconscious still in love with Will? No, I am not in love with Will. I think I was channelling Janet. Carl really is making me less inhibited. Carl and I have a full disclosure policy, I had to tell him. He was angry. He said Will had overstepped the mark. He said Will was just using the show to get me back. He's going to confront him tomorrow. What if they fight and punch each other up and there's blood. Who will clean up the blood? What if blood splashes on me? What if it's contaminated? I'll have to get blood tests. I don't want to die. That is totally irrational, but what if…? I can't tell Carl I was thinking that. I remember something else too. I took my J Crew black cardigan off and dropped it on the floor. The floor! Where so many feet have walked and what if they've walked in blood on the footpath outside? I wonder if Will picked it up? I can't ask him for it. Every time I think of him now, I see Michelangelo's David – that perfectly sculptured body. I spent tonight straightening every picture on the wall and disinfecting the soles of all my shoes, again.

Dear Diary,

Will is cancelling the show. He said he never should have tried to put it on in the first place. He only did it to get close to me. Carl was right. I tried to make Will feel better by saying love can make us do crazy things. Was I talking about him or me? Diary, I don't know, maybe both of us. He apologized and said he would never abuse our feelings for each other ever again. I don't feel like he abused my feelings. He didn't abuse them, he was only trying to get my attention. He agreed Carl is making me better and if he really loves me he has to back off and accept the fact that at least for now being with Carl is the best thing for _me_. I felt the space between us narrowing. Self-realization is an admirable quality but I kind of liked being fought over.


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Diary,

Will told me the Glee Club was having its annual boys vs girls sing off. Will didn't ask me to help judge this year. I guess he's keeping his promise.


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Diary,

Just as Sue has it in her contract that she becomes acting principal if Principal Figgins is unable to fulfil his role for any reason, I have it in my contract that should any virulent strains of disease be in the school, I am exempt from attending work. Monkey Flu has arrived. According to Sue, it arrived after festering in a small group of bisexual primates. Yet another reason why sex should be avoided.


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Diary,

I was telling Carl tonight, how I heard the Glee kids rehearsing 'Marry You' for Finn and Kurt's parents' wedding. I said, it was really nice for them to find each other after being alone for so long.

Kurt's leaving for Dalton Academy. Why didn't Will tell me that Kurt was suffering at the hands of Karofsky? I'm a guidance counsellor. I give guidance.


	9. Chapter 9

**You should never count on someone to relive your ob****sessions or explain them away, that is the compulsion.**

Dear Diary,

I was eating lunch in the teacher's lounge and Will arrived with the tickets to Sectionals. He asked me to be his plus one. He called me their good luck charm. I didn't hesitate. 'I would love to', I said. I began to tease him. 'Finn and Rachel will do a ballad, followed by the kids doing a classic rock number where Mercedes will blast out the last jaw dropping note.' He's so predictable. Will said, all the choirs try to showcase their strongest talent but I said, 'Seeing the kids do Rocky Horror really reminded me of how much talent you have in Glee Club. Quinn has a beautiful voice and Mike Chang has dance moves that are to die for. You're a constellation of stars, I would just hate to see you ignoring some of them because they don't burn quite as obviously bright.' I'm sure he knows what he's doing, ND are the favourites for Sectionals. He looked pensive. I was worried I'd said too much. But Will said I had said just enough.

Dear Diary,

I had Finn and Rachel in my office today. Rachel has discovered that Finn did the nasty with Santana. It was like counselling myself. Rachel started asking all the same questions I had going through my head when Will fooled around behind my back. Do you think she's prettier than me? I didn't want either of us to hear Finn's answer so I jumped in with 'Don't answer that'. Whether the answer is yes or no, it doesn't make any difference. If he says yes, then you feel ugly and if he says no, then you wonder what other flaw you have that drove him to another woman. And then you dwell on it incessantly. I suggested that since they're both in Glee, they should sing about it. I'm pretty sure there are some Eagle songs about betrayal. In fact I know there is, 'Best of my Love' is on my Ballads of Betrayal playlist. I suggested we do Plan B: Me: Why did you lie to Rachel?' Finn: I didn't want to hurt her. Rachel interrupted: Is it because she's hot? Finn: Why does it matter? Rachel: Would it be productive to slap him right now? Me: No, maybe you should storm out.' And she did. I don't think I was very helpful, I looked at Finn's confused and remorseful expression and asked him if there was anything else he wanted to talk about. He said, 'You know Ms Pillsbury, I felt disappointed in myself after, you know, being with Santana, I just didn't know until after it happened that I wished it hadn't' and before I could reply he walked out. I looked after him thinking to myself, only experience can help us understand ourselves and each other. No one is perfect and sometimes we just make mistakes. Given time, Rachel will calm down and learn that to be unforgiving, is a burden to carry.

Dear Diary,

I arrived at school this morning, to tell Will I wouldn't be going to Sectionals with him. I explained to him how I hadn't told Carl about me going because ever since Rocky Horror he's had some issues with Will, with us spending time together. It was counselling Finn and Rachel that made me realize that withholding the truth can make someone feel as bad as lying. Although why I needed Finn and Rachel to remind me that what I was doing was akin to what Will had done to me, I'll never know. I think Carl has made me so happy that the whole April/Shelby thing has just lost its significance. Will kept the truth from me to protect my feelings just as I was trying to protect Carl's. Will and Finn had lost the person they loved and I didn't' want to make the same mistake, so I told him the truth last night and we had a big fight. Carl said, if I still have feelings for Will then stop wasting his time. He won't be played for a fool. I said, 'I obviously have more feelings for you because I'm standing here.' He said, if I really loved him then I'd want to spend my weekend with him and not Will since I already see Will five days a week. I explained how going to Sectionals was about showing support for the kids. Then he apologized for sounding petty and jealous but he just wanted to spend time with me and he wrapped his arms around me and said I brought out these feelings of protectiveness in him. I felt really guilty. I didn't' tell Will all the details. I just said, 'We made up and he told me that he loved me and I told him that I love him back.' I wanted Will to be happy for me, but I knew he was disappointed I wasn't going. He was incredibly gracious and said 'They'd miss their good luck charm.' Rachel interrupted us yet again but there was nothing left to say. I gave him a kiss and wished him luck. Will walked off. He didn't look back.

Dear Diary,

I obsessed all the way home over whether me not going really would bring bad luck to them. Carl says my thoughts are just my mind playing tricks and I know charms are totally irrational but the thought kept niggling away at me. However, it was blown out of my mind when I returned home to find Carl waiting for me. He showed me two plane tickets. He said, 'Come on, we're off to Vegas. I said, 'Why'. He pulled a ring out of his pocket, got down on one knee and said, 'to say I do'. My heart skipped a beat. I said, 'I'll need to pack.' He pulled out a toothbrush and said, 'Already done that.'

At the alter, I said, 'Carl, I have to keep my last name'. He suggested we hyphenate it - Pillsbury-Howell. That sounded OK.

I'm married.

How am I going to tell Will?

Dear Diary,

I got to work early to trim the pot plants in my office. I was trimming and obsessing over how to tell Will when he walked in. He asked if I was ok. I admired his trophy and said I'd wanted to call him all weekend. He said it was ok, he understood. I said, 'It doesn't look like you needed your good luck charm. He said, 'You were missed.' God, he wasn't making this easy for me. I had to tell him. He didn't want to hear it. I showed him the ring. He asked if it was an engagement ring. I told him it was a wedding ring. He didn't say anything. Then he said 'I'm happy for you', I know he isn't. I tried to tell him I was sorry, that it was a spur of the moment decision, but Will just said 'Let's leave it at that' and he walked off. I looked at my wedding ring.

Carl came in later that day, to pick me up from work. He sat in my chair and pulled me on to his lap and we kissed. I do love him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked over his shoulder. ND hadn't won outright; they drew. Was it my fault?


	10. Chapter 10

**Individuals with OCD may also experience reduced levels of social and recreational intimacy because they socially isolate themselves.**

Dear Diary,

I found Will in the staff room. He's changed his lunchtime to 1.06. We haven't talked since I told him about me marrying Carl. That was three weeks ago. I wanted to know that we were ok. I asked him if he was avoiding me. He said 'Not at all.' I didn't pursue it. Instead I asked him what he was doing for Christmas. He's going to spend it alone. I said, 'You can't spend Christmas alone, that's horrible.' Carl and I are having a big Christmas Eve party, at our new condo, so I invited him to stop by. He thanked me but he said he thinks it's best if we keep things separate for a while. I was disappointed. Whatever he wants. Coach Beiste came in with Secret Santa. I was thinking what if I got Will? I'd have to keep it a secret from Carl. I got Sue.

Dear Diary,

I took Sue her present, but discovered Will and Shannon also had Sue as their Secret Santa. Sue had rigged Secret Santa! We were her pawns in her sick little game. I was furious. If she hadn't rigged Secret Santa then perhaps I could have got Will and bought him a really meaningful present. She called me Elmo and sexless.

Dear Diary,

The Glee kids sang in the staff room today. Will _is_ keeping things separate. He sat at a separate table. Although it could have been that he wanted to be close to the kids as they sang. I donated some money and hi-fived him as I walked passed. He touched my hand. I found myself staring at him from afar. My insides melted. His heart is always in the right place. He made sure the true spirit of Christmas echoed throughout the halls of McKinley.

Dear Diary,

I wish he would come to the Christmas Eve party. The people coming are all Carl's friends and even though Carl has helped me be so much more relaxed I still don't think I like the thought of all those people's germs in the condo. It's been hard enough adapting to living with Carl. They'll have to take their shoes off and the bathroom will have to be scrubbed down the second they all leave. I'm tempted to go and get some plastic to cover the chairs. I'd better go to the supermarket and get more disinfectant. And gloves.


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Diary,

I couldn't sleep tonight, so I sat up to watch the late news. I was quite unprepared to see Sue being interviewed by Katy Couric. Her segment was called 'Loser of the Year.' Sue lost her cheerleading competition. Her behaviour beat the economy, Mel Gibson, the housing market, Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods, 9% unemployment and Sparky Lohan, Dina Lohan's dog. Her use of the cannon started a national debate on the safety of athletes. I also saw Will. The cheerios budget is going to the Glee Club. He no longer has to hold a bake sale to hire a bus to get to Regionals which is fantastic because as much as I want to support Glee Club I just can't buy food made by anyone, not when I know they probably haven't washed their hands properly. Will must be happy. He and Katy did a little dance together.


	12. Chapter 12

**Research has suggested that individuals with OCD report several reasons for concealing their ****obsessions. These reasons include: (1) that revealing their obsessions will increase the probability that their fears will happen, (2) that others will use their obsessions as evidence against them, (3) that people will think they are crazy, and (4) that it wll lead to shame and embarrassment (Newth & Rachman, 2001). Thus, it is possible that the reluctance of individuals with OCD to self-disclose information about their obsessions wiII generalize to other personal information, making self-disclosure in romantic relationships less likely.**

Dear Diary,

Rachel was walking down the corridor singing Firework. I heard her sing, 'there's a spark in you, you just have to ignite the light and let it shine…' I like to think Carl had ignited a spark in me. Now I just have to 'own the night'.

Dear Diary,

Valentines day.

Twenty-four long stemmed red roses arrived for me today at school. Carl is very romantic. He cooked me a Japanese inspired dinner and we ate by candlelight. I was admiring his sparkling teeth when he said, 'Come on, dessert is in the bedroom.' He knows I can't have food in the bedroom. He started kissing me but I just kept thinking of Finn's kissing booth and how he'd spread mono all over the school. The more I tried to push the thought away, the stronger it got. I pushed Carl away. I said I didn't feel well. I had a long shower, made sure my shoes were all lined up 10cm apart and reorganized my wardrobe. I saw my black cardigan. Will did return it to me. He had it dry cleaned and wrapped in plastic for me. I looked at my Spencer Patent-Trimmed Crackle-Metallic Mary Janes. Why was I always leaving parts of me with Will? I put on my purple nightdress and suggested to Carl we watch a romantic movie. We sat up in our king size bed, side by side and watched one of my favourite Doris Day movies: Pillow Talk.


	13. Chapter 13

**Something always brings me back to you. **

**It never takes too long. **

**No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone. **

**You hold me without touch. **

**You keep me without chains… **

**Sara Bareilles – 'Gravity'**

Dear Diary,

I know Will said he wanted to keep things separate for a while, but how long is his 'while'? It's been 6 weeks and this was an emergency. I ran to his office then we ran down the corridor together to Sue's office. Becky had come to my office in a panic about Sue Sylvester writing in her journal that she was committing sue-icide. She could be dead by now. We jumped into Will's car and drove to her house. The front door was unlocked. I've never seen so many trophies – how does she keep them all so clean? Will broke down her bedroom door. I felt like we were that girl saving team we once said we would be. The mannequin in her room momentarily freaked me out. Sue was lying on the bed unconscious. I checked for a pulse. There wasn't one. Then my own heart nearly stopped when she sat up and said she could stop her own heart. She tried to OD on Gummy Vites! I showed Will. She said she had nothing to live for and I said that's not untrue. But Will interrupted and said we weren't there to give her a pep talk. I was momentarily jarred by the terse tone in his voice. He said, she'd brought this on herself. He was right. She said there was nothing for her or her Cheerios to do for the rest of the year. I suggested she do what other cheer squads do: cheer for the teams at the school. Will said 'Let's go'. Then he said she was nasty, manipulative and petty. She tried to criticize his hair, she said he had more grease in his hair than the guy behind Wiki leaks. He came back with a retort that she had no response to. I followed him out. Score Will.

Dear Diary,

I heard the kids being flung against the lockers and I knew Sue was back. I was just about to put on my gloves when Will came into my office. It's the first time he's been in my office since I told him I married Carl. He was concerned that it would be just a matter of time before Sue came after the Glee Club again: idle hands are the devil's play things. He thinks she's dangerous. He's right. Then Sue arrived. She came in to see if she could use my office to hang herself. I looked at Will, and I could see he was thinking the same thing: Here we go! I couldn't help but smile at her antics. Will showed so much patience with her. I was impressed with the way he handled her. How easy it would be to hate her after all she's done to him. Instead he asked her if there wasn't one thing that has made her feel good since her epic decline. Will passed me her hanging rope. I put it in the bin. She said she had felt good when she heard Charlene's I've never been to me on the radio. And then it hit me. I suggested she should join the Glee Club. Will looked at me as if to say, over my dead body, but I reminded him of how he's always talking about the healing power of music and there are studies that show it helps with depression and elevates the mood. I had a pamphlet! Besides, I said, the football team joined Glee Club for a while and that brought people together, I was willing him to read my mind: if Sue was in the Glee Club, then Will would be able to keep an eye on her. Make sure the old gal was 'ok', I gave him a wink. He didn't look convinced.

I miss him.


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Diary,

Will came up to my table at lunch today, it's been so long. He said 'Enough of us not being friends.' He heard on the grape vine that Carl and I are looking for a tract house together (I told Carl I couldn't move into a used house, it wouldn't be clean) and he wanted to say he was genuinely happy for me. He gave me a toaster. Has Will let me go? I asked him if he wanted to catch up. He sat down and I asked him how he'd been. He said he'd been busy with Glee Club, but I interrupted him. I didn't want to hear about the Glee Club. I wanted to hear about him. I asked him if he was dating anybody. He looked down and said no. I suggested maybe he should. I kept fiddling with my ring, wanting to pull it off. I couldn't wash my hands properly with it on. Sue interrupted us. She accused Will of being an alcoholic. Then she brought up the fact that he was rehashing his failed marriage with the very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of his craven sexual advances. She loves to exaggerate. Will's so calm around her. I watched him while Sue was on her diatribe. He looked worn out. Then Sue said she has taken on the role of coach for Oral Intensity. I looked questioningly at Will, he nodded to confirm that Sue was telling the truth. Will never told me. I didn't understand how Figgins could allow her to coach the opposition. My heart sank and I felt overcome with guilt. My idea of putting Sue in Will's Glee Club had been a terrible idea. I'd delivered the Trojan Horse. The notices on the board behind him, were driving me crazy, it took all my self restraint not to go and straighten them. And what's the deal with people putting notices on top of notices? It drives me crazy.

Dear Diary,

I bumped into Will in the corridor this morning, he was wearing those sunglasses that make him look SO SEXY. One step closer and I could smell the alcohol on him. He looked terrible. Have I driven him to drink? Was Sue right? He apologized for drunk dialling me last night. But I didn't' get a single message. He said he was really embarrassed and I asked, what would he have said to be embarrassed about? He said it must have been an elaborate booze dream. I've had those dreams, but I haven't been drunk. I'm still wondering what the call could have been about.

New Directions performed in assembly. I couldn't go because I had to council a student. Thank God I wasn't there. Brittany and Santana threw up on stage. It brought back memories of Kurt throwing up over me when April came to the school. I did a full decontamination ritual as soon as I got home.

Dear Diary,

Sue's voice came over the speaker this afternoon, introducing Will's drunk dial for everyone to hear. The words are etched in my memory: Hey there sexy lady, there's something I really, really want to say to you. I love how you eat your lunch with your little plastic gloves and they crinkle and make the cutest sound I've ever heard in my life. Why don't you pick up some wine coolers and come over here and it will be just one night of just getting crazy, let 's just get crazy. Get real crazy and roll around in the hay as I was just in some hay earlier tonight and I rode a bull and I was thinking of you.' Diary, I don't know whether I was flushed with embarrassment for Will or flushed with excitement for myself. Will thinks I'm _sexy_. He thinks my OCD is _sexy_. The very thing I hate about me, he loves. Is he a masochist? I've hurt him, I've pushed him away, I've shown him I've moved on. He has replied with resilience (quality #54), perseverance (quality #55) and passion (quality #56). He still loves me.

He loves me just the way I am.

My reasons for letting Will go have all been made null and void.


	15. Chapter 15

**OCD does make matters worse, as it aggravates the usual negative emotions, such as anxiety and jealousy, and you end up blowing things out of proportion.**

Dear Diary,

I am concerned that somehow, someway, sperm will find its way into the general environment. This is a particularly bad thought when I am starting my day because, sometimes I feel that I can't be certain Carl hasn't let any semen leak out. I have to wash the bed linen every day and I'm afraid to use the bathroom. If I wake up late and don't have time to wash the bed linen I can end up being overwhelmed with anxiety all day long. I won't bore you with the million different "sperm scenarios" that I entertain but they often involve the sperm's staying power being lengthened by finding its way into a medium that will preserve it. I can't let Carl touch me.

Dear Diary,

I've taken over the Celibacy Club. Celibacy is a viable option for teens not ready for intimacy and for those who are older and terrified of the hose monster. I found some chastity charms while I was out shopping yesterday. They were on sale, but I ended up paying more for them because when I looked at the change in the woman's hand, all I could see were germs so I told her to keep it. We shall hand out the heart but not the key that way no one can open the heart ever. I told Quinn and Rachel that's what keeps us safe. Rachel had some questions, but I warded them off by telling them not to be curious; wait to have relations until you're comfortable; until your honeymoon, or, I don't know, maybe even later. Celibacy ladies, dig it.

Dear Diary,

I was in the teachers' lounge talking to Will about how disappointed I was with what the kids are doing with the chastity charms: they're using them as nipple rings. Will is fully supportive of promoting abstinence as a way of minimizing teen pregnancy. Then we were interrupted by the arrival of this confident and forceful, leggy blonde woman who Will appeared overly delighted to see her. How long has he known her? He grabbed her face between his hands and said 'Oh that face.' She's not that attractive. When he introduced me, he couldn't even remember my name! She said expecting teenagers to be celibate isn't being realistic. She used the analogy of expecting lions to be vegetarian. Will laughed. It wasn't funny. She said we have to educate these kids. I strongly disagreed. We shouldn't barrage them with graphic information, I don't want to steal their innocence. She insulted me by asking if I was some crazy Pope lady. She said think about what they have access to on the internet. I won the fight, by saying it still doesn't make it ok. She said I was being naïve. Then she said she was off to have crazy sex…kidding. Was that supposed to be a joke? She is a terrible role model. Will hung on to her every word. I just looked at him in bewilderment. He was so…so smitten with her. I know, I told him he should try dating but that was only to see if I could cope with it and I can't. Diary, I'm _consumed_ with jealousy.

Dear Diary,

Holly is running a jazzercise class before school. Disgusting. People all sweating in one room together. She's multiplying the germs in the school exponentially. She's so full of herself and that 80's style leotard I just saw her in is a fashion offence.

Dear Diary,

At 12.07 I marched into the teacher's lounge to confront Will. I told him I was VERY disappointed in him allowing Holly to just come and teach the Glee kids about …stuff. Why doesn't he just pair them up and rent them a bunch of motel rooms? He said he had no choice, the kids are totally unprepared. I straightened my bow. She will not contaminate Will, I mean the kids. Will said, to keep it fair, I should have the opportunity to put across a counter argument. He invited me and the Celibacy Club to do a number for the Glee Club. I asked him if he meant do a song. I liked the idea of singing. Will's only heard me sing once. I accepted the challenge and said I look forward to nailing her to the wall. I wonder if Holly can sing?

Dear Diary,

I was watching a rerun of 'The Partridge Family' when an idea for a song to sing to Glee Club hit me. 'Afternoon Delight'. It's all about eating dessert. Perfect! We needed costumes. I was inspired by the frills on Shirley's shirt and how the Partridge Family always wore matching outfits so I drove down to the material store and found some of the best material I've seen in ages. I spent all night making Quinn, Rachel and I a skirt and shirt each: floral, frilly, feminine and totally non promiscuous.

Dear Diary,

I wandered past the choir room today, thinking I might tell Will about the song I've chosen. He and Holly were dancing a_ tango_ to Prince's song 'Kiss'. I felt like a voyeur. I quickly departed. She can sing and _dance_. I'll ask Carl to play the drums for us.

Dear Diary,

Another Celibacy Club meeting. Noah has joined us. The girls were a little surprised but he's seen the light and I'm prepared to accept him. He's just in time to help us perform our song. That means another outfit to be made. Carl really likes that I've chosen this song to sing. I didn't bother to tell him exactly what it was for.

Dear Diary,

Our harmonies sounded divine. I really enjoy singing. I should sing more. The lights were in my eyes, so I couldn't really see the Glee Club's reaction to the song, but I'd made a slide show of all these really delicious looking desserts to put on the screen behind us while we were singing. At the end of our number Holly tried to deflate my confidence by telling me that I'd interpreted the song all wrong. She said a nooner isn't about having dessert in the middle of the day, it's about having s_ _ in the middle of the day. I looked to Carl for reassurance but he looked away. Then he just left me on the stage to run and talk to Holly. Rachel wanted to know what the song really meant. I refused to give in to Holly, I explained that Afternoon Delight is a dessert made from coconut, pineapple and marshmallow fluff.

Dear Diary,

Carl wanted us to speak to Holly about our relationship. He said a third party might help us be really honest with each other. I said, I don't think we need to speak to her. He said, 'Ems we need to talk to someone.' So I went along with him to prove that she wouldn't be any use at all. This is how the conversation went:

Holly: I hear you guys are having problems.

Me: I wouldn't call them problems.

Carl: No we are, we're having problems.

Holly: When was the last time that you ….

Carl: Never. We've been married 4 months and we still haven't done the deed.

Holly: Girlfriend, what is up with that, he's hot. You're thirty.

Me: I haven't felt comfortable. (I keep thinking I'm betraying Will)

Holly: Well what is it that you do?

Me: (Did I have to answer her?) We cuddle a lot.

Carl: A lot, we cuddle too much. We're cuddle monsters.

Me: Ok, we watch the housewife shows that are so, so racy.

Carl: It's not like I haven't tried. I make her romantic dinners, brings her roses, but every time I touch her (I shied away from him and started giggling as he reached a hand towards me) that happens.

Holly: I would like to ask you a question and I want you to answer it very seriously. Are you still in love with Will Schuester?' (Her question was like a slap in the face then I had an image of one of my industrial strength cleaning agents, SOLV150EPH, that melts away coal tar, melting away Carl.)

Carl: I was kind of thinking the same thing, but I was afraid to ask her. Are you?

Me: (I looked at Carl and I had to say the truth, but I knew the truth would hurt him, hurt us, but I couldn't' deny it any longer) I feel very confused about my feelings. I'm sorry.

Carl: No, you and your feelings can stay at the condo and I'll be at the Radisson. He walked out.

Me: (I looked at Holly).Can you please, please not tell Will about this?

Holly: Of course not, my lips are sealed, just like your legs. Sorry that was rude.

Yes, but it's the truth. I did feel some relief finally telling the truth. Well almost the truth.


	16. Chapter 16

**Although the patient realizes that these obsessions and compulsions are "unwanted, unreasonable and excessive," the person cannot stop listening to the thoughts and acting on them because of the pure feeling of dread the patient experiences until the compulsions are correctly performed.**

Dear Diary,

Carl came to get his stuff. I said I was sorry. He said he was too, but there really wasn't any point dwelling on it. He wished me the best.

I can no longer separate OCD thoughts from my own thoughts. Maybe they're one and the same? It really scares me because what if I can never have a normal relationship? And what if OCD always gets in the way? I'm really confused right now. I know I love Will, but am I _in love_ with Will? I think I'm in love but I've thought that before and I just have so many doubts, so many things running through my head all the time, it makes me feel crazy. Besides he's found Holly who would be much better for him. He's probably taken her to Regionals. She's everything I'm not. For someone who hates mess, I've made an enormous mess of things.


	17. Chapter 17

**Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, this time more wisely****.**

**For those of you who watch in agony how your loved one suffers, know that just being there to listen, sometimes endlessly****, cements your bond and makes the relief well worth the effort. Symptoms of OCD ebb and flow, however true love never wavers. **

– **/forums**

Dear Diary,

I arrived at school to see that the school's main signboard needed cleaning. I gathered some solvents from the janitor's room and was walking back past the auditorium when I heard someone singing 'All by myself.' I burst into tears.

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I spent 12 hours cleaning the house from top to bottom and when I awoke this morning I still felt compelled to clean. I went into the teachers' lounge, cleared the bench of all mugs and paraphernalia, got out my electric toothbrush and began cleaning. Will walked in and asked if I was ok? I said, yes, as soon as this counter is clean. He said, 'I hear that OCD symptoms get worse when a person is under great stress.' I looked at him and told him Carl's gone. He's asked for an annulment, which I guess he's legally entitled to since we never consummated the marriage. I'm such a failure. Will didn't say anything. I didn't want to see the look in his eye, I sat down and asked him at what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret? Is 32 too young? I actually believed I'd have a handle on my OCD by now. It's just been _so long_ and I'm _so tired_. I let a tear fall. Will got my lunch bag, put on my plastic glove and wiped my grapes. I asked him what he was doing. He looked at me with his kind eyes and said 'One day you're going to find a way to beat this thing. Until then I'm here for you; no judgement, just a friend you count on.' He gave me a grape took one himself and said 'Cheers'. I wanted to cry.


	18. Chapter 18

**Remember, pain may be inevitable sometimes but suffering continuously is only optional. Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end. So be hopeful - It's your world – enjoy and live it. **

**- ****Dr . M.D**

Dear Diary,

I don't feel like I can face everyone in the teachers' lounge so Will has sat with me every day in my office and helped me clean my grapes. I'm so appreciative of his help. I have so much more free time on my hands. I've used it to straighten up all the notices on my notice board, the teachers' lounge notice board and any other notice board in the school.

Will said he was enjoying helping me with my OCD. I really don't like that term, it sounds way to serious and scientific. I prefer 'neat freak' or 'cleaning bug'. He thinks we should be figuring out some techniques to help me eat my food without scrubbing it. 'You mean with germs and pesticides all over it? I asked. 'No I mean really deal with your issues on this stuff', he said. I told him I've tried. I thought Carl would help. I may not have been born this way, but this is my lot in life and there's nothing I can do about it. Will said, I've given him an idea.

Dear Diary,

Will is really worried about Rachel seriously considering a nose job. I said, there are lots of adults we know who can't accept things they hate about themselves. So Will wants the kids to sing songs about self acceptance – accepting the best and worst parts of who they are. The second part of the assignment is to perform the queen of self love's anthem 'Born this Way', while wearing a beautifully fitted white t-shirt with a word or phrase written across the front that says something about themselves that they're most ashamed of. He has asked me to do a sample one with OCD on it. He suggests that accepting my problem will help me overcome it. He wants his contribution to the kids' lives to be more than trophies and conjugated verbs (quality #57)

Dear Diary,

I couldn't put OCD on it. I put 'ginger' on it instead. Being a ginger has plagued me my whole life. People say that I smell like copper and I can get a sunburn in doors at night and according to recent legend I have no soul. But this very curse is what makes me unique. I shall claim my gingerhood before the children tomorrow. I was born this way. Hooray.

Dear Diary,

Will came into the staff lounge today and said he was a little disappointed about me putting 'ginger' on my t-shirt. He said we both know I should have put 'OCD' on it. I explained that I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about such personal things with the kids. Those kids are supposed to trust me. I'm supposed to be a role model. 'And you're not being one,' Will said. We're trying to teach these kids to accept themselves and you refuse to. I said, 'You know I wasn't born this way. It all started when I was 5.' Will asked me if I'd ever had any anxiety before that. Well I understand I was a colicky baby and I got kicked out of preschool because I was having panic attacks when they made us use Manila paper. Will told me I have a severe anxiety disorder, everyone just humors me because I function so well and I'm so cute about it but it's really keeping me from enjoying my life. I said, 'Ok, fine if you want me to wear a shirt that says 'baddie' or 'loon' on it, then I will, totally fine. So what if I like my fruit free of contaminates, isn't that healthy?' Then he said, 'You know what I want? I want you to eat lunch with me,' and he pulled out containers of _unwashed_ fruit. All I could see were the germs on it. He said he was trying to help me get better and accepting the fact that I have a problem is the first step. I said torturing me with unwashed fruit wasn't going to make me take that step. Then Will said, 'I think you are an expert at deflection.' I asked him if that was a new shirt he was wearing?' But he didn't answer, he continued, 'And I think you work so hard at helping other people, counseling them, so you can avoid doing the hard painful work on yourself.' And he walked off.

I stared at the fruit he had left behind. Was this my future? Me sitting alone with my fruit. Will loves me like no man, no person, ever has. I can't bear knowing I will ruin the best thing in my life due to this disorder.

Rejecting his advice is rejecting his love. Haven't I rejected it long enough?

Dear Diary,

I went to see a therapist, Dr Shane. We only spoke for 2 minutes because I spent the first 48 minutes disinfecting the chair. She said I have a fairly severe case of obsessive compulsive disorder. She said it's very treatable, a combination of medicine and behavioral therapy will give me some relief from those feelings of panic. While she was talking, the thought occurred to me that I'd forgotten to unplug the curling iron. She said there's a stigma in this country about mental health issues. I wouldn't know. I just said, I don't want to lie on a couch and tell some stranger my secrets and I don't want to start popping pills just so I can be someone other people want me to be. This is how I am, who I'm supposed to be. But she said my illness is keeping me from who I'm supposed to be. She used the analogy of a student coming to me with diabetes. Would I give them insulin or say live with it; it's who you're supposed to be? Of course I'd give them insulin. I just feel _so ashamed_ of all these irrational thoughts that run constantly through my head. I'm not sure I can speak them out loud. I started crying. She said I wasn't alone, even she's suffered from depression. She said I'd feel better, she promises. She handed me a prescription for an SSRi and she wants to see me in a week. I reluctantly accepted.

Dear Diary,

I got to work early this morning with my white t-shirt and used the letter press to write OCD on it. Then I went back to my office and I placed the SSRi tablets in front of me, exactly 10cm between the glass of water and the jug of water. I stared at them. I was scared. But Will's words kept echoing in my head 'I think you work so hard at helping other people, counseling them, so you can avoid doing the hard painful work on yourself'. (Quality #58: tough love). I took a tablet and swallowed. There was one last thing I had to do. I went to the auditorium. Will was side stage watching the kids perform 'Born This Way'. I stepped up behind him and stroked his back to get his attention. I unbuttoned my jacket and showed him my t-shirt. His face beamed. He grabbed my hand and lead me on to the stage with the kids. We threw off our jackets. He had 'butt chin' written on his t-shirt (I don't think his chin dimple looks at all like a baby's bottom, it's adorable). I have to admit, skipping on to that stage felt liberating. The song ended. Will still had hold of my hand.


	19. Chapter 19

**Put love first. Entertain thoughts that give life****. And when a thought or resentment, or hurt, or fear comes your way, have another thought that is more powerful - a thought that is love.**

Dear Diary,

Will brought April Rhodes to my office today to say she was visiting and wanted his help. She told me about her idea for a musical and how she thought Will was the man to help her see her vision become a reality. I agreed, if anyone could, Will could. April said she would go to his house tonight, if we let her cook for us in return for helping her. Will asked me if I'd come because the more people to bounce ideas off the better. I declined the invitation. They have the talent. I trust him. Besides, I'm pretty sure April can't cook.

Dear Diary,

After school today, I had this really strong urge to see Will. I almost felt like I might be able to tell him I loved him. So I snuck into the auditorium to see him. He had told me he and April would be rehearsing. He looked so handsome, so confident, so talented there singing on the stage. I felt myself bursting with love and pride and affection for him. It wasn't the same feeling I had that day when he sang Young Girl/Don't Stand So Close To Me for Rachel. I'd been as blind as Rachel that day, swooning like a teenager over a rock star. Then April asked him to go to New York with her to work on her show. He said, no, he had to take the kids to Nationals. April scoffed at him, saying that was their dream, not his. He was standing on the exact same stage wishing that he could have done something bigger.

I couldn't tell him I loved him. April can give Will the opportunity to live out his dream and display his talents to the world. He has to go. If I tell him I love him, he will never pursue his dream of performing on Broadway, he will stay in Lima for me and never know what might have been. And what future can I give him, with my OCD? I have to let him go.

Dear Diary,

12.06 and Will entered the staff room. I was set up with my grapes waiting for him. I wanted to show him, I could eat them without wiping them or without putting on gloves. He looked over at me with surprise and asked if I had washed them at home. I said I just put them in a colander and let the cold water run over them for half an hour. He said it was amazing. I've been taking my medication for a couple of weeks and I feel so much better. The feeling of dread isn't lurking in the back of my mind. He said, 'I'm so proud of you, Emma.' He clasped my shoulder and I felt myself melt into his touch. The first time he's touched me since…since Xmas. I said, 'You inspired me Will, to take control, to make a change, to take charge of my own destiny and now I want the same thing for you. I snuck in and saw you and April singing the other day, you're good Will. You have a gift. If April is offering you the opportunity to use that gift, on the big stage, then you have to say yes.' He said, 'I can't see April's show setting the town on fire.' I said,' But it's a chance. On a real Broadway stage. And who knows who might come and see it, what great notices you might get. You deserve to at least try this Will.' He said, 'No, I can't do that to the kids, not now, we've all worked so hard and we're so close.' Tears started falling from his eyes. I asked him why he was crying. He said, 'The kids. You. You all saved my life, got me out of a terrible marriage, helped me find my passion again. I just don't want to lose you, but Emma, I want to go so badly. My heart ached.


	20. Chapter 20

**I'm learning that my life and my choices are determined by me. Not my OCD.**

Prom night. The kids got let our early to get ready, so I asked Will if he would mind if I came to his house to talk. I thought he needed some guidance. He had told me he didn't want to lose me and if that was the only thing stopping him from going to work on April's show then he needed to know something. Will cooked me dinner and we sat at the table talking. He asked me about my prom. I said I never went to prom, I couldn't handle all the germs. I told Will the reason why Carl left me was not only because we hadn't consummated the marriage, it was also because I still had feelings for _him_. Will's face broke into a smile. I said, 'You will _never _lose me Will, because you're in my heart forever. I'm not going anywhere, I'm seeing Dr Shane and I'm working on getting better. Remember when you created Acafellas and you felt like you'd achieved a goal? And your Dad told you that he'd always been too scared to try to do something he really wanted to do, but seeing you up there inspired him. Remember that night Will? 'Yes', he said. 'You were wearing your yellow dress.' My heart skipped a beat, but I continued. 'And now your father is studying law! Look what can happen if you dare.' He looked at me and shook his head and said, 'You and I...it's unconditional.' I smiled.


	21. Chapter 21

**What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us.**

Dear Diary,

Will had 14 vests in his closet. I like that he has an even number. I had one box for going with him, one box for storage and one box for giving away. He said he wasn't going away forever. He thinks he'll be back. I told him he has to stop with all of that. He's too afraid to admit he's' leaving which is why he asked me to help him pack up his apartment and why we were going through his vests. He hasn't told the kids. He liked how organized I was. It's not that hard to be more organized than a man. I put one of his black vests in the giving away box, but he pulled it back out explaining that he had to keep it because he wore it the first week of Glee Club. I wanted to tease him, so I held up a grey Fair Isle sweater vest and said, 'Did you wear this one the first time you tried the new coffee machine in the teacher's lounge?' His reply almost took my breath away. 'That was the one I was wearing the first time I met you.' He's loved me for so long. I couldn't dwell, one of us had to be pragmatic. 'Well you have to let it all go.' I folded the vest for him and stroked it. 'You're following your dreams,' I said. I handed him the vest. He put it in the 'giving away box'. I stared at it and had this sudden urge to cry.

Dear Diary,

Will asked me if I wanted to go to Sue's sister's funeral with him and the kids. Apparently Kurt and Finn have arranged everything for Sue because she refused to. She is totally devastated. She didn't even insult me when I ran into her in the corridor today. I appreciated Will including me, but if I'd gone, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to stop crying and my tears wouldn't have been tears for Sue's sister. I kind of felt like I had my own funeral to attend anyway; I had to take Will's 'give away' boxes to the Opportunity shop.

Dear Diary,

Will's last day before he leaves for New York. I was losing my dream but I was giving Will the freedom to pursue his and that was more important to me. I put on a happy face. As I walked out of the classroom, I met him in the corridor. He'd just been talking to Terri. I didn't feel any anxiety. I asked him if everything was ok. He said, Yes, finally.' Then he noticed I was wearing his vest, the one he wore when he first met me. I told him I didn't have the heart to throw it away. It's my message to him that I'll never throw him away. He said it wasn't forever. I said, 'I hope it is. You deserve this. You've given so much for so long, it's your turn now.' I had to keep it unemotional for both our sakes. 'Don't be a stranger.' I kissed him lightly on the cheek and walked away before bursting into uncontrollable sobbing.


	22. Chapter 22

**"It's not me-it's my OCD." That is our battle cry. It is a reminder that OCD thoughts and urges are not meaningful, that they are false messages from the brain.**

Dear Diary,

ND came 12th. Will has returned. I opened my door and saw him standing there. I looked at him the way I used to.


End file.
